well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize