I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I cut my penus on the lid.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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