his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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