I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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