I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
