saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
