What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
