i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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