Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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