i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
