What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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