i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
