I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
