just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
