I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
