the only muscles i have these days is kegels
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
And then he peed in my hair
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