just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
