She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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