I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
