i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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