After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
