While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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