Cold hands, warm shart.
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Randomize
