Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
