I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
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