On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
