I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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