A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
