I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
