Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
