If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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