NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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