Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
