Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
