The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize