Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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