Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
