So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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