Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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