i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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