He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
