Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
