I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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