It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
