i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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