I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
