last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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