We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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