she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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