break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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