Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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