careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
