After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
