Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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