Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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