I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
People with herpes should wear stickers.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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