cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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