god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
