tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
