You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
