a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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