we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
