You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
