you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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