Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
