I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
