I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
